It is said that a New York minute is only an instant.
Well, here in Utah I like to measure time on a different scale. The Salt Lake Month. Because everything moves so slow here (especially the drivers). It’s like the Shire, but without sweet birthday parties and all the hobbits are prejudiced.

And that broad, outwardly rude insult is how I just explained going a month without pouring my excess sputum into the bottomless vacuum of the internet.

Sorry about the dark intro. I have to stop falling asleep to bad VHS copies of Requiem for a Dream.

Here’s some climbing, skiing & guns to cheer you up.

Climbing
Nik does some adventure abseiling in LCC

Sweet belay stations

…2 pictures. That’s it. NEXT.

Guns (*Guns supplemented with a Jeep for liability and future alibis sake)
Nik on a over-saturated barefoot ice cream dumpster disposal mission.

A target range fit for a (dirtbag) king!

Kris demonstrates shirtless gun reloading while his brother and Marcus enjoy some…male bonding?

Marcus & I begin digging his car out with an avalanche shovel for 8-year-olds and a camping chair.

A Doctor & Math Teacher’s mandatory 12-seconds of labor before goofing off in the salt flats.

Marcus, en motion.

Misty 5. Said goofing off.

Scenery

Skiing
K(harles) Wehmanen. Throwing some big 3s and 5s.

IDNK what I was trying to do in this picture.

Kyle with some open jacket steezery.

I gts’d the s out of the b, ya’ll.

Stay tuned for my state street river float pictures when this popstand finally floods.
Jake

Why am I explaining this to you? Based on my recent viewing of an unnamed red bull athlete’s self edit (which was quite good), this effect is poised to blow up and soon every video I watch on the web will undoubtably be 800% longer to unnecessary slowdown.

Hence why I am posting this now. E-proof I was in on it at the ground floor.

I’ve made soldering-induced bronchitis look good in cotton since 2011

Nik “real Math starts at 5000-level classes and above” Aksamit

Just remember when you are using you are setting your camera’s aperture and slowing down video footage of your fixie bike’s spokes to a nausea-inducing amount that
being a nerd is not:
-anything to do with an SLR camera
-using the gaussian blur in photoshop
-putting a custom skin or boot-rom on your android phone
-using the phrase ‘open-source’, while not actually knowing what it means
-using ubuntu
-knowing how to fix your aunt’s email client
-html or javascript
-or whatever else you think is so rad and 1337 that you feel entitled to wear oversized dorky glasses

being a nerd is (and will always be):
-writing undocumented nested recursive functions in assembly code

Liked it better when being geek was not something people claimed,
Jake

244 inches. That’s how much snow fell between 12a – 12:15a on the morning of the 20th. Equipped with enough Red Bull to power the Large Hadron Collider, I rendezvoused with Marcus, Nik and Nik’s friend from Idaho, sweet mustache Danny early Sunday morning in a LCC car lineup that would have made Walt Disney proud.

After listening to Rihanna’s, ‘S&M’ come on my radio (or iPod) 84 times, the line finally started to move and 76 hours later we were on the tram and run #1 looked so promising. Three turns after leaving the top of the tram we arrived on top of the bigger point of upper cirque’s jaws air. Visibility was about 7 millimeters, which meant perfect conditions for the U’s most magnificent math magician.

Nik launching into the Misty Mountains.

Representing charismatic chemists everywhere, Marcus refused to be outdone. He pointed the air another 10′ higher up from Nik’s starting point and sent it into the ether.

Then it all turned to shit…

I am not sure which of the rocks in the above photo Marcus annihilated on touchdown, but it was one of them. Unfortunately, the rock bit back and capital chemist, Marcus Tofanelli went down hard.

After making his way to the clinic for xrays and lollipops, Marcus claimed the flip wager war was far from over and Nik, Danny and myself headed back out for the afternoon hoping that Marcus’ injury was not as bad as it appeared to be…

He might not be saggin’ low, but I am confident Nik’s lincoln off the Paul Mitchell Moto would make K-$ proud all the way in his European vacation castle.

The earthquake you felt on Sunday definitely was not from my backslap on the p-dog chair air rebate session.

I liked the part where it hit me in the face.

I am not sure how Nik set this lincoln, or how he got out of this position, but rad.

Moods of Marmot Ridge.

More airs based on songs from musicals.

Sadly, the stoke was short lived. Further investigations into his gnarliness revealed that Marcus had done some serious damage going 340′ to rock.
From Marcus Facebook yesterday…

the latest marcus update. . . stoke down 89 %, acl’s down 1, mcl’s not good, meniscus assumed to be in poor shape, cartilage around the femur and tibia assumed damaged, tibial plateau damaged to a noticeable extent. plans . . . MRI to durther excess damage, prehab in process. surgery inevitable, visa vi fun on hold, dosey doe hopefully summer will be better for gooden times

Marcus en route to the dollar theater, fully prepared, on a happier day.

Hoping the chemistry lab has raddicapped access,
Jake

Skiing is…
painful boots.
cold weather.
bad knees.
smelly trams.
chapped lips.
broken toenails.
traffic jams.
bad parking.
lines.
…and a whole bunch of other crap that is generally a bummer.

So why do it? To show off rad footage of stupid things you did so you can finally show all your high school girlfriends how sorry they are without you.

So it kinda sucks when you break your helmetcam on the first run on of the day because whatever Malaysian sweatshop is turning out your Sportica ActionXTrememo Camera Maximum cannot afford to hire a real programmer and just tried to copy the software your glory-maker runs on from old toasters salvaged from a Shanghai junkyard.

Looks like 10′, was actually 40.

Looks like 10′, was actually 500.

Looks like 10′, was actually 4 DA LADIEZ.

Looks like 10′, was actually 9,000.

Looks like 10′, was actually 869,000.

Thanks to Erin Braggosaur for shooting this on her *borrowed* Flip HD Camera from the U’s media science/touchy feely department.
…I think the equipment was donated by Al Qaeda after they finished shooting their last batch of ‘Best of 2001: Terrorist Demands’ videos.

Also. Thanks to Backcountry for, yet again, exchanging my helmetcam as I think this is #4 or #5 (I may have caught up to the famous Brady Newton).
And if you are the *un*named helmetcam company I am using: fix your damn firmware or I am going to run you out of business one busted, returned camera at a time.

If you are wondering why all the airs look so much dinkier than on my old HelmetCasts, it’s like I tell all the disappointed ¿femininas?, the wide-angle lens makes everything look bigger.

Hope you guys enjoyed the song, it is from a musical that I cannot remember the name of, but it is labeled in my iTunes library as ‘An Agatha Christie Mystery about AIDS.’
…weird

Plums. With the red on the inside.
Jake